RED Spy in the Base!
by TheGrangerChronicles
Summary: When the RED Spy gets a little cocky about his job, it only takes a simple mistake for hell to break loose. Warning: Not everyone is nice.


INTRODUCTION

The RED Spy ran out onto the battlefield, leaving his teammates behind. He cloaked as he ran out of the shadows, raising his Eternal Reward, the one he had crafted himself. It had taken days to collect the right equipment, from the odd assortment the Announcer had had shipped in for them every month. He took a moment to feel the sharpness of the blade against his gloves, feeling the leather squeak noiselessly in protest. A BLU Demoman thundered past him, completely oblivious as he stood there, stoically still. He took a moment to watch as the melee-ing Demoman was immediately headshotted by the RED Sniper crouched behind a stack of crates, and moved on.

He turned the corner, about to decloak, when he heard a familiar whining, whirring sound. He got out his Sapper and snuck up behind the Sentry, sneering at the pitiful little thing. The BLU Engineer, a lunk-headed idiot, came charging towards him with his Southern Hospitality, throwing it around as if trying to defend his buildings. The Spy stepped fearlessly out of his way. Then, crouching behind the dispenser, he whispered. "The Engineer is a spy."

Quick as a flash, the Engineer whipped out his Sentry control and filled him with bullets.

"Merde!"

He stumbled out of respawn, his mood definitely sour. The RED Scout even backed up a little when he passed him, a flicker of fear in his eyes, before rocketing forwards. He would get his revenge.

The BLU Demoman was nearby, he could hear his drunken wailing. He crept up behind the Sniper to find his target out on the battlefield, fending off the Pyro to no avail. It was the Demoman's fourth attempt to get the Pyro off the control point before the Spy remarked, " 'E is an 'orrible fighter, is 'e not?"

"Jesus bloody Christ, mate!" The Australian nearly jumped out of his skin, not realising a Spy had crept up on him without his knowledge. "Don't fuckin' do that again." He returned his attention to his job. "Yeh, he's bloody awful. I've been watchin' 'im for a while. Athough, our Firebug can't get anywhere near that sentry, because of 'im."

The Spy remained crouched there, still cloaked. "You know, you ought to make yourself a shield. Somezing to block stab attempts. If I were ze BLU Spy, you would be dead."

"You and yer bloody craftin' rubbish." And then, "How long have you been there?"

"Let's just say I could 'ave killed you, and zen murdered ze Medic over zere in zat time." He pointed across the battlefield, to where the BLU Medic occupied a corner, hiding from enemy fire behind his Heavy.

"...Fuck me. Well, you've wasted enough time with me, go get 'em." The Sniper waved a hand behind him, his oversized fingers barely brushing the Spy's suit before twisting and gripping his arm tightly. The Sniper chuckled as the Spy tried to twist out of the iron grip. "Go get 'em before you lose yer touch."

"I would seriously consider ze Razorback, if I were you." He simply stated, before running towards the Pyro, dodging the haphazardly thrown sticky bombs, kicking the shattered remains of the whisky bottle into the Demoman's limping frame, wrapping his arm around the man's elbow and decloaking as he threw him over his hip. The Demoman landed on his back, his one eye staring, shocked, into the Spy's.

"Would you kindly please turn over?"

The Pyro gave a muffled yell of appreciation as the now disguised Spy raced back to the Engineer's Sentry.

REVENGE?

The BLU Demoman raced towards the Engineer at the back of the lines. He limped quickly up to the short Texan and gave him a half-smile, to which the Engie doffed his cap and pointed to the building behind him.

"Yer gettin' yer ass kicked out there, son." The Engie shook his head at the Demoman. "You should be careful, there's a spah creepin' around here."

The Scotsman remained crouched by the dispenser, staring back at the Engineer wordlessly.

"Yuh know, it's takin' an awful long tahm fer our men to get back up here, ah think I'll build a teleporter in the spawn." His gaze stayed on the crouching Demo, expecting an answer.

"Err, yer'right, mon. Man. Arrr. Teleporter."

The Engie nodded. "Ah thought so. Lemme see..." He raised a finger over his PDA, and as he went to press a button, the Demo straightened up, knocking him. A Teleporter Entrance fell into his arms. "...Idiot." He muttered under his breath, making a mental note to avoid the Demo in the future.

At that moment, a RED Soldier appeared up high, rocket jumping over them, his shadow stretching out across them. He loosed two rockets that fell perfectly on the dispenser, which couldn't handle the sudden impact. As the sentry shot the Soldier out of the air, the Engineer trembled, throwing down the Teleporter Entry in fury when he realised the Soldier had taken all the metal from the area as well. Well, tahm to leg it back to thah spawn. Ah can't wait for the metal tah be replaced. Look after mah precious liddle gun, wou'ja?"

The Demo nodded enthusiastically, taking his place behind the miniature sentry, which the Engineer patted on the dome before sprinting back to the spawn cabinet. He collected his metal, and created a Teleporter Exit. And then his PDA started to beep. A light. Flashing. Red.

His sentry.

"Spah sappin' mah god damned sentry!" He cried, hefting his spanner again and running out of the spawn just as the Demoman raced towards him. He raised his Southern Hospitality and the Demo held out his hand.

"Nah meht! Ah'm tha real deal!" He shot a sticky bomb to prove it. "Tha' Spy's a right twat, and I wanna show 'im 'oos boss!"

The Spy chuckled as the Sentry exploded in front of him. He stepped back to admire his handiwork when he heard an enraged scream. The Texan was thundering towards him again, but he hadn't cloaked and as he reached for his knife the Texan lunged and then –

Blue light. Dust.

Where was he?

"Where 'is 'eee? Wherdideegooo..." The Demoman ground his teeth, hefting his launcher.

"He used the teleporter. He's wherever I put the – oh." The Engineer chuckled quietly.

"I don' layke the look on yer face. Yer scarin' me, Engie."

"That couldn't have worked better, pardner." His giggling darkened as the Announcer's voice rang over the battlefield.

He was in the BLU spawn. This was _perfect_. What a fortuitous turn of events. He disabled the teleporter exit, cloaked and threw himself to the back wall.

"30 seconds to go!" The Announcer screamed manically over the intercom. The BLU Heavy respawned in front of him, completely oblivious, racing forwards to the exit. The Spy decloaked behind him, raising his knife as the Heavy stepped through the doors.

His hand smashed into something, his knife grinding against something he couldn't see. He couldn't bring his hand down in time, and he watched as the Heavy jumped across the field before him, eager to rejoin the battle in time. He pressed his palm up against the exit, feeling just how solid the invisible barrier was between him and his freedom. What a dismal turn of events.

"Ten seconds to go!"

He could see the Sniper from where he was, poised to take out the Heavy, but his frame jerked, as if noticing something. Maybe he had seen the Spy, trapped in the opponents spawn? The Sniper jumped off the ledge he was on, pulled out his Kukri and raced towards the Spy.

"Five!"

_Come on, mon ami_.

"Four!"

"C'mere, ya little bleeder!"

"Three!"

The Sniper raised his knife above his head, still running.

"Two!"

The BLU Pyro came around the corner and the Sniper twisted, throwing his knife into the Pyro's side.

"One!"

He pulled it out again and, as the Spy watched, sauntered back towards the RED team.

"You've failed! The BLU team has won!" The Announcer's voice echoed in his head. He heard the crackling of super-charged weapons behind him, and froze up. He sensed two presences who had slipped in behind him, and expected the fatal blow between his shoulder blades at any second. Only it never came.

He turned his attention away from the massacre of his team on the field to the gaze of the BLU Engineer and Demoman, smiling down at him. He stepped back again and hit the barrier.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Somebody shouldn't be here." The Engineer chuckled, shaking his head at the Spy. The Demoman echoed with his own jeers.

"Bloody spies, ye cannae git the better of this chap! He has a brain the size of a watermelon!" The Demoman leered.

The Spy suddenly felt very small. A terrifying thought occurred to him as he figured out what may have just happened. He thrust his knife forward, sticking it into the Engineer's leather overalls. It sunk in, hilt deep. The Engineer looked down at him, and looked up again. "You know as well as I do that when the timer runs out, we may as well all be gods." The Spy's eyes widened as the Engie pulled the knife out and studied it. The wound healed instantly. The crackling of the weapons died down as the Engineer pocketed the Spy's Reward. "You won't be needin' tha', trust me."

TRAPPED

"LEETLE SPY IS IN BASE!" They had been joined by the rest of team, who were now all filing through the doors, removing items of warfare and stowing them in their lockers. The BLU Heavy was pointing at the Spy.

"I was always in your base. I would 'ave run you through 'ad you not..." The Spy stopped, but a light went on in the Heavy's eyes.

"OH. OH HO HO. OH HO HO HO HA HAHAHAHA." The Heavy began to laugh uncontrollably as the Spy regained his calm composure. The BLU Sniper hung his bow in his locker and turned around.

"It appears we've caught ourselves a frightened little kitty. How did that happen, I wonder?" He stalked towards the very cornered RED Spy as the Engie and Demoman retreated to stow their items.

"It is not I 'oo is ze cat, monsieur..." The Spy folded his hands in front of him as the Sniper came closer. He cloaked at the last second and the Sniper threw down the Jarate he had been hiding behind his back.

"Heads up!"

The Spy felt his expensive suit being soaked in the urine, his position being given away as the entire BLU team laughed at him.

"I hate you!" He growled murderously at the Sniper.

"I think, mate, you've been shown who's boss." The Sniper flicked the Spy in the nose as his teammates clapped and jeered."Now get out of my sight, you pussy." More laughter.

"He can't," The Engineer walked up as the Spy groaned. "He's here fer good now."

"Is that so?" The Sniper's mouth twitched.

"He can't leave until he's killed. Which means one of us has to kill him."

The Sniper turned, raising his arms to the team. "Anyone feel like putting this little pussycat back on the battlefield?"

A chorus of 'No's sounded in the small room. The Soldier yelled out. "Welcome to the team, maggot!"

The Spy decloaked and raised his revolver at the Soldier, but the BLU Spy decloaked beside him, simply raising his gloved fist and pulling the thing out of his hands. He threw it to the Scout, who caught it and smashed it through the window with his Sandman, watching as it flew gracefully across the field.

The RED Spy leapt at the young man, pinning his bony wrist to the wall and drawing back a fist to punch him before he was pulled down to the ground by the rest of the team, who began throwing fists and feet into him. Before long, he was battered (yet healing) and too drained to fight it when the Sniper undid his watch and tucked it into his own pocket. As he knelt over the Spy, he pulled out the Sapper from the Spy's inner pocket and threw it behind him. The Pyro bunsed it higher with a flume of air, and as it came down melted it into scrap metal, which clanged uselessly to the ground. The Spy groaned in defeat, his head hitting the cement floor as the BLU team filed out the door leaving the Sniper and Engineer alone with their victim.

The Engineer started forward when the Sniper put up a hand. "Nah, mate. He's down. Let's just find a place to put 'im."

"Just kill me and get it over with. You shall never 'ave your revenge if I am stuck in 'ere." He muttered quietly, summoning up the strength to taunt them but feeling weaker than before.

"This _is_ our revenge, mate." The Sniper covered the Frenchman's eyes as he fell asleep. He turned to look at the Engie. "So now what?"

"Wha'?" The Engie stared back. "Ah caught a RED, didn't ah? Where's mah thanks?"

"So now what do we do with 'im?"

"Ah – uh..."

"Obviously you didn't think this one through, Tex. He's gonna try and get all his stuff back, mark me, and god knows what the Announcer's gonna say when she finds out we've permanently kidnapped a hired mercenary. She'll probably have to pay big bucks to keep this war outta the mainland – that's why we're fightin' it here."

"Well, we could – "

"We could what, Tex? We could keep this problem a secret? How? How long's it gonna take for the REDs to find out what's happened? How long until one of 'em tells Saxton? How long before you're back to pub crawlin' in the wild, wild West?" He hefted the Spy over his shoulder, groaning with the effort.

The Engineer opened his mouth to say something, but shut it again, obviously beaten.

"You'd best keep thinkin' about that, mate. You think about the time when we're gonna have to let him free, and he's gonna have our hides for what we've done to 'im."

"But you made the others – you threw the Jarate at him - "

"Tex, if one of them kills 'im before we've convinced him we're alright, we're all goin' straight down the ninth circle of mercenary hell. We've gotta 'pologise and get 'im off our backs fer good."

TROUBLE

When the Spy opened his eyes again, he wasn't lying down on the cement anymore. He sitting in a chair. In a bedroom. A BLU bedroom. But whose bedroom?

There were clothes everywhere, papers, the stench of packets of crisps – the whole place was a mess. As he looked around, he felt the restraints on his wrists and chest. Someone had tied him to his wooden chair and then thrown a blanket over him, probably to keep off the chill. He looked at the bed, but he couldn't tell who was in it, the bedclothes were too tightly wound around the figure and the moon too dim to make out any more details. He stood up quietly in the chair, and turned towards the desk, looking for a penknife.

There was no penknife, but there was... a fork...

Freed from his restraints, he gathered up the rope, ripping the duct tape from his mouth and advancing on the sleeping figure. In the dark, his shoe hit against something long, thin and metallic-sounding. He grinned. _This was going to be easy_.

He snuck a hand into the bedclothes, making sure his glove was warm enough so the Scout wouldn't detect it, and looped the rope around the boy's hands. The Scout stirred slightly, and the Spy straddled him, pulling the rope tight and placing the piece of duct tape over the boy's own mouth. The Scout's eyes opened instantly and he thrashed around in the bedclothes, desperately trying to free himself, his screams muffled.

"Aww, moi petit chou-fleur, what idiot chose you to be my lone guard? Would they seriously trust a... child to – " The child stopped struggling underneath him as the darkness behind the Spy moved. "Good. You are not stupid."

"But it seems you are, mate." A gloved hand rested somewhat threateningly on the Spy's neck, fingers curling and pressing into his throat. He could feel them sliding towards his voice box.

"Oh, and by ze way, moi petit chou-fleur, I do not believe I cut you another piece of duct tape. I am very sorry." He leered as the Scout realised what his lips were touching, resuming his struggle.

The other hand gently removed the rope from his hands and pulled him roughly aside by the throat. "Don't bloody mess with our Scout, you poofter."

"Are you going to kill me?"

"No."

"Then I will keep messing wiz your Scout until you do, Monsieur Cha – hurrkk!" The Sniper's thumb pressed into his throat, cutting off his air.

"No, you won't." He released the Spy, who collapsed, and sat back down on the bed to untie and comfort the Scout. "Spies... they're bloody useless."

"Tha-that... He didn't just..."

"What is it?"

"H-he didn't just take my, my first..." The last word was whispered, but the Spy heard it and snorted with derision. "...kiss? Am I g-g-gay now?"

"Nah mate, it doesn't work like that." The Sniper adjusted the blankets so the Scout was covered, and protected from the Spy. He pushed the boy back onto his pillow and mussed his hair. "G'night." He muttered, then descended on the Spy, pushing him out into the corridor.

SECRETS

"You bloody wanker. You can't be trusted, you can never trust a Spy!" He hissed angrily, trying to keep his voice down, pushing the Spy down the corridor.

"Why would you put me in zat child's room? Zat situation was bound to 'ave played out, and ze child would most likely be dead by now!" The Spy hissed back.

"And that's why I was in there, ye moron. The Scout thought he could handle you and let the rest of us have a good night's sleep!"

The silence descended until they reached the Sniper's room.

"I could 'ave 'ad her, you know."

"Had?"

"I could 'ave made 'er cry out for me... but you 'ad to interrupt."

"What are you bloody on about? Who? Is this about some ex of yours? I don't want to hear any bloody sex talk this bloody late at night, so you and yer ghostly girlfriend can just -"

"Non, mon ami. I know a girl when I see one. Or should I say..._ when I feel one_." He held up the Scout's dog tags, which he had removed in the struggle. The Sniper grabbed his head and smashed it into the wood of the door.

"_Don't you fucking dare_." He spat, opening the door as the Spy clutched his head and kicking him into the room. He closed and locked the door behind him, wrenching the dog tags from his grasp, wrapping them around his wrist and punching the Frenchman squarely on the nose, and then in the stomach. The Spy wheezed, grabbed the Sniper's head and brought it down on his knee, both of them reeling away from each other to recover. Then, and only then, did the Spy actually realise how ripped the Sniper was, having not worn his pyjama shirt. This man obviously did not waste time sitting around between battles when he could be in the gym. Maybe this was a paranoia that Snipers had? He knew the RED Sniper suffered from this, too, which made his grip so strong. The Spy suddenly felt a little stupid for learning so little about brute strength, having to rely on his more manipulative moves to do any damage to this walking wall of muscle.

The Sniper wiped blood off the dog tags and pinched the arch of his nose. The Spy did the same, wanting to stop the flow of blood quicker and wishing they hadn't thought of the same debilitating move. He paced at the other end of the room, which was noticeably larger, tidier and emptier, only a bed, the closet and an empty desk, with the addition of a weapons rack. However, all the weapons were gone, as were most other common items from a bedroom. Obviously the Sniper had anticipated having to move him from the Scout's room. How far ahead had he thought? He blinked tears out of his eyes as his nose stitched itself back into the right place as painfully as possible, and dwelled on the idea of knowing the secret that the Sniper and the girl Scout shared.

That girl had taken his revolver. She was going to pay for what she had done, no matter how good she was at baseball. He looked around for the Sniper. He was standing by the chair at his desk, fuming at the Spy.

"You're not gonna tell _anyone_, okay?"

"You are joking. I cannot keep a secret _this_ scandalous! Tell me, Monsieur Chat, are you fucking her too? Oh wait, no – _you haven't even kissed her yet._ You cannot know how to be a lover."

The Sniper stayed silent.

"You are a sly one, Monsieur Chat, keeping a girl zis young under a roof of barbarians. You have to be twice her age. If this were to be revealed to ze Announcer..." He smirked, moving his feet into a steady position and bracing for impact. "Maybe you all know? You whole team? Tell me, do you take turns at her?"

The Sniper sniffed, looking away. "You know, I could kill you. But that would be the one thing you want. And that's not gonna happen until you calm down. You can say what you like, but believe it or not, I'm only 27. She's 23. Nobody else knows... except Saxton Hale himself. He allowed her in because of how fucking good she is at what she does. And to answer your most important question..."

The Spy hadn't expected this response. He didn't know what to do with the adrenaline coursing through him right now. "My most important question..?"

"...Yes."

The Spy waited for him to go on. "...What was the question?"

"Figure it out for yerself, Spook. Meanwhile, having a fucking shower, you stink to high bloody heaven. You can borrow some of my clothes."

The Spy had no idea what to say. He straightened his tie, and walked towards the ensuite.

"You have fun in there, because afterwards, you're goin' in the chair and you're not standing on your own two feet again until I say so."

DAZE

The Spy woke with a jerk, his neck sore from where it had lolled against his chest in his sleep. He felt abused and groggy. He was cold, too, but there was a feeling of warmth somewhere...

The BLU Sniper was perched on the end of his bed, holding his hands over a miniature heater, studying the Spy. "Sleep well?"

"I hate you, you sharpshooting swine."

The Sniper sighed with a smile, then nodded. "Don't worry, you look alright in blue." A loud scurry of footsteps sounded beyond the bedroom door. The Sniper frowned. "I should go join them for breakfast. I'll keep 'em off your back, mate. We don't mean you no harm."

"Do not make promises I do not intend to let you keep." The Spy spat.

"Did you want anything?"

"Non."

"You must be hungry."

"Non."

"You're shaking, mate."

"Get out of my face."

"I'll get you a pack of cigs, if you want."

The Spy stayed silent.

"Speak up or you're goin' cold turkey."

The Spy bit his tongue, trying to distract himself. His arm twitched against the arm of the chair.

"I'll take that as a yes. Back in two shakes." The Sniper patted him deftly on the cheek and left the room.

The Spy contemplated slipping out of his bonds and trying the windows, but he knew they would react the same way as the spawn exit. Mercenaries could get a little... overzealous... when it came to finishing a job. He would have climbed in the window himself and slaughtered them all while they slept, just so he could move on, but there were too many precautions against that. Surely not all the exits were sealed like this?

Sniper swept down the stair railing and swept into the kitchen like he always did, spinning his way across the kitchen collecting his breakfast. The Pyro, as usual, was messing around with the knobs on the stove. The Medic, having already tidily eaten, was making a sandwich platter for their lunch break. The rest of the team was draped around the kitchen area and lounge in various states of undress and consciousness. He hummed as he grabbed a spoon from the drawer, increasingly aware that all eyes were on him. He turned around and suddenly everyone had something else to look at, or do. Firebug was still playing with matches, though. Always the anomaly... He finished his Weet-bix and stood up, and suddenly the Scout was close behind him, a hand on his vest.

"What's up, mate?"

"We need to talk." The Scout's voice was unnaturally quiet.

"Yeh, okay, sure." The Sniper lead the way up the stairs. When they were out of sight, the Scout slipped her bandaged hand into his, gripping it tight.

"He's still here, ain't he?"

"Yeh."

"Um, ya know, last night... thanks for... being there. In my room. Even though I didn't know which is kinda – um, I know I told you to let me handle it alone, but if you hadn't been there..."

"I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even let him out of the chair. I'm really sorry."

"No, uh, dat's not all – when he, um, he – he put his hands," She shivered visibly in recollection. "On me. I didn't have mah band on. I think he knows."

"He does. Oh mate, I'm so sorry..." The Sniper enveloped the shivering Scout in a hug, waiting for her to calm down. "He'll be in my room from now on. You okay with that? I can just kill him today, and it'll all be back to normal. By the way, nice call with the 'first kiss' thing. He's confused about you, about us. But yeah, he could... not be"

"He ain't your problem, he's Tex's!" The Scout tilted her head down, wiping her eyes where she thought he couldn't see.

"Ah, speak o' the devil." He said, looking up. The Engineer was climbing the steps, obviously wanting to know where the Spy was/ Probably about to ask on behalf of the team, too, no doubt.

"Hey-up Sniper. Where's out liddle pussycat? Ain't 'e joinin' us in Spawn today?"

"Nah, mate. He needs a rest."

"Whah? He ain't got nothin' to rest from, all the restin's been done last night!"

The Sniper sighed as the Scout walked back down the corridor to collect his headset. "There was a bit of trouble last night, and the Spy ain't staying with the Scout no more."

"Then where is that liddle sentry-sucker?"

"Out of harm's way." He narrowed his eyes at the smaller man, who returned the gaze almost malevolently.

The Spy listened at the door for the longest time, having removed himself from the chair a long time ago. He heard light footsteps, the heels of a sportsman – the Scout had walked past the door, alone. The Sniper and the Engineer were still talking, their voices getting louder as they began to quarrel over what should happen to him. He laughed quietly as he strapped his watch around his wrist and snuck out the door, into the depths of the BLU fortress.

"Whah are you suddenly the one who chooses what happens to him! Ah caught him, didn't ah?"

"Your stupid mistake is goin' to get us all bloody fired!"

"Just let me at 'im, and then – "

"And then what? You kill him? So he can hunt our sorry arses for the rest of our lives?"

"It's what he's paid to do! We all are!"

The Sniper couldn't respond.

"You tell me where he is, or so help me..." The Engineer waited. No reply. "Fahn. Ah see how it is. Ah'll see you down at the battlefield..._ mate_." He spat the last word at the Sniper as if it would repel the devil, then turned and sauntered away.

The Sniper huffed, wishing the Engineer wasn't quite so good at holding grudges. His hand slipped into his trouser pocket as he thought of the Spy. His blood went cold as his fingers closed around the lack of a certain watch.

"Scout..?" She had only gone back to get her earpiece. "SCOUT!"

SPY'S REVENGE

She sidled into her room and sat down, cradling the earpiece in her hands. She looked out the window and shivered when she thought about how that glove had touched her, his manic eyes as he stared down at her. The cold, relentlessly triumphant look of surprise when he had found her out. She suddenly felt that she wouldn't be staying in the service of Mann Co. for much longer.

She heard the door close behind her and stiffened.

"Mate, it's just me."

She relaxed. "Hey Sniper, I'll be right out man. I just, uh, I need a liddle time..." A hand on her shoulder.

"What if I said I didn't feel like bein' a mercenary today?"

"Whaddya mean, man? It's yer job, it's my job, we gotta – " She felt the weight on the bed behind her and stopped, coughing to hide her nervousness.

His hand lowered itself gently from her shoulder to her knee, slowly moving up her thigh as he whispered in her ear. "What if, just for a day, we aren't mercenaries?" His fingers slid across her middle, pulling the button free from her pants, and ever so slowly tucking a finger over the band of her pants. "Why... I haven't even kissed ya yet."

She twisted so suddenly, putting her knee in his chest and bouncing off, that he barely had time to react as she jumped for the door. She caught a glimpse of the RED mask above the Sniper's shirt and lunged for the doorknob as her caught her leg and twisted it. She pulled on the door handle as she tried to tug herself free of his grip only to find it wouldn't budge.

"Ah-ah-ahhh," The RED Spy warned, still mimicking the Sniper's accent. "Naughty girl..." He pulled on her leg but she kicked him in the head with her other shoe and grabbed an old bat lying under her bed, vaulting herself up with it. He tackled her before she could bring it down on his head, pinning her to the wall and crushing her fingers into the handle of the bat, trying to get her to let go. She brought her knee up into his crotch and then, when he tried to straighten, brought her Bonk! helmet down on his head. He reeled backwards, landing on the upset bedclothes on the floor. She stood over him, out of his reach, ready to swing her bat again if he moved. He didn't move an inch. She had knocked him out. She glanced at the door. The key from the back was missing – he must still have it on him. She knelt down and started going through his pockets. She slipped her right hand into his coat to find the inner pocket, and found the outline of a key.

"Yes..." She whispered triumphantly, before his hand shot up and grabbed the invasive wrist, snapping her hand back. He had dislocated her wrist! She almost cried out in pain as the bones tried to move back to their proper place, thanks to the airborne medical wonders of the fortress that only worked for broken bones. His legs twisted around hers and suddenly she was the one in the bedclothes and he was over her, holding her one free hand over her head, the other fumbling with her clothes as he leaned down towards her. She felt his nose brush her ear as he kissed her neck, his stubble prickling against her skin.

"Now I've got you where I want you, mate."

"Please, no, stop using his voice..." She sobbed as he put pressure on her sore wrist, her voice catching. "Not his voice, please..."

"How did you know it wasn't me? Or are you always this spirited in bed?" The accent cut through her mind like a knife through butter, but the red mask filled her vision as he leaned in to kiss her on the lips, covering them completely. His cheek was up against her nostrils, she couldn't breathe, his tongue crept into her mouth, exploring as she fought for breath, twisting her head as he clamped his hands around it, steadying it. Her vision darkened and her lungs screamed out, and when he finally released her, breathing heavily and smiling almost kindly down at her, all she could was lay there, heart thudding, wrist throbbing, gasping for air like a dying fish, as he fumbled with his own pants. "Oh, I can tell you like it, mate, I really can. Let's take it further, shall we?"

"SCOUT!" The Sniper's voice was out in the corridor know, his steps flying down the hall towards them. The doorknob rattled furiously. "SCOUT! SCOUT! Scream if you can hear me!" Banging on the door when it wouldn't open. "Spy, if you're in there, you let her go, now! If you harm a hair on her head -!"

"You will what, swine? Come in 'ere and prove your worth, you dashing hero! I sneer at your sheer lack of timing!" The Spy had dropped the accent and seemed even more furiously passionate. He was using her somehow. She opened her mouth to scream, but he covered it and she called out at loudly as she could. The banging on the door stopped momentarily. The Spy slipped his hand out from under her shirt.

The door flew off its hinges and the Spy cloaked, the Sniper thundering into the room, kukri raised. He dropped it when he saw her on the floor, scooping her up and cradling her head. "Mate..." She burst into tears. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the glint of his kukri as it was picked up from the floor. He spun and ran at it, pushing the body of the cloaked Spy into the open cupboard, raining punches into the crushed figure. His fist connected with a small square of metal and the Spy decloaked, surprised and coughing, gasping for breath. The Sniper delivered an uppercut that could have floored a hippo and the Spy's body slid out of the cupboard to lie at his feet. He wrenched the watch from his wrist and the kukri, handing it to the Scout. She held it with her one good hand as he carried her to the Medic's ward. He passed the spawn room on the way, where the team was getting ready.

"Hey, you fuckers. The RED Spy just tried to do the horizontal shuffle with our Scout. He's in his room, out cold. Do what you fuckin' like, I'm through with lookin' after 'im." He nodded at the Engineer, who smiled from ear to ear, and jerked his head at the Medic, leading the way to the ward. The Scout smiled up at him through her tears, watching the team race back into the fortress behind them.

RECUPERATION

The Spy stirred, rubbing his chin and looking around. The Sniper and the Scout were gone. But he wasn't alone. The BLU Engineer looked down at him, along with the Demo, Pyro, Heavy, Soldier and Spy. They all stared down at him in a way he didn't like. They weren't here to tease him like they had yesterday. This way going to be more brutal unless he could get out of it. He reached for his watch but his fingers wrapped around his own wrist.

"Non, monsieur. Not zis time." The BLU Spy flicked the edge of his knife, his eyes fixed on his opponent.

"I signed up to defeat maggots like _you_." The Soldier shoved a fat finger towards the RED Spy.

"WE HAVE TWENTEE MINOOTS UNTEEL BATTLE." The Heavy mimed looking at a watch, knowing full well there hadn't been one designed to fit around his copious wrist.

"Ahhh suggest we get starrrted, then!" The Demoman slurred, his launcher resting against his shoulder.

"Ah've been waitin' for this ever since this god-danged war started, mister..." The Engineer smirked.

"Err'body 'ad better... step back." The Demoman gestured.

The Spy looked down at the familiar blue-spiked spheres lying all around him. "Oh, fu-"

"Vhat vas zat?" The Medic exclaimed as a tremor shuddered through the building. Dust rained down from the ceiling into the ward, spotting the Scout's clothing.

The Sniper shrugged. "Dunno, mate. Sounded like a coupl'a bombs. And then I heard a scream, kinda like a cat dyin'."

The Scout looked down, still as pale as the dust in the air.

"You gonna throw up again, mate?"

"No!" She said too quickly, her voice back to the usual, fake tenor. "I'm jus' thinkin', dat's all."

"It is okay, Scout, zere is no way zat awful man vill be stayink vis us any longer."

"Nah, mate, he's just gonna be out there on the battlefield again, until we file a complaint of harassment against his opponent. Then he'll probably be moved on and we won't see his sorry arse again."

"Unless..." The Medic whispered, trailing off.

"What's up, Doc?"

"Vat if ze ozzers do not kill him? What if zey do not want to let him go? It vould not be hart to do vat you did."

"Here's hopin' he's riled 'em up enough to make 'em forget what we can do. It was his plan all along, I can tell. When he's dead, he's out of our base, he's where he can't hurt us anymore."

"I hope you don't mean dat literally, man. Because it's our job an' all."

The Sniper laughed and patted the Scout on the knee, forgetting for a second the Medic was there.

"A-HEM." The Medic glanced at them both over his glasses. "So, vhen vere you goink to tell me?"

The Sniper jumped. The Scout held up his hands. "Nah man, we ain't gay. Don't even go down dat path, 'cos dere's nothin' there you wanna see, and we're def'nit'ly not there either and – ARRGHHH!" The Scout screamed as the Medic suddenly popped her wrist back into place. She whimpered, but an immense flood of relief washed through her.

"Zat is not ze word for your relationship. I believe it is... natural. Natural."

The Sniper, still speechless, raised an eyebrow.

"All relationships are natural, but yours is more... normalised, razzer zan beink... homosexual. Scout, I know the differences between a male and female body, even zough you hide zem well."

They both started refuting him at once, words spilling out in defence, but the Medic hushed them both. "I will not tell. But I am hurt you did not think to share zis wiz me... your physician." He shook his head. "Not to worry. Your secret is safe wiz me."

They both took a deep breath and let it out. The Sniper's hand snaked back to the Scout's knee and she smiled back.

"Alzough, Scout, I have been meaning to ask – about your periods, how do you cope? I can see no signs of ze usual... materials anywhere."

The Sniper blushed furiously, even though the Scout replied freely, obviously pouring her trust into this new secret-carrier. She couldn't talk about this sort of thing with _him_, so it must be a relief to be able to tell this to someone else. Surges of embarrassment and jealousy washed over him, so strong he asked to be excused. The Scout just laughed at his inflamed cheeks and returned to her conversation, making some sort of joke with the Medic he didn't get, and they laughed as he walked back into Spawn. The clock above the roller doors ticked down the last five minutes as he cleaned his kukri and readied his gear. It was going to be a strange battle today.

Homecoming Queen

The RED Heavy messily shoved a sandvich in his pocket as he picked up his beloved Natascha. "WHERE IS LEETLE SPY TODAY?" He boomed, looking around the spawn.

"The maggot should be around, though he didn't respond to my signal this morning!" The Soldier stood to attention in front of the roller door. He was determined to make the payload at least halfway today, and wasn't taking any chances. He ignored the Heavy's protests and stared at the clock, wishing the last few minutes would move quicker. The Sniper and the Pyro stumbled in behind the Scout and the Medic, all talking about minor worries. Soldier's mouth twitched every time he heard about the damn Spook. He'd show up when he wanted to show up, like he had always wanted to. It didn't make no damn difference if he turned up this time or not. He wasn't essential to the battle, or to securing the victory.

However, he lost his cool with 2:35 minutes to go when the Demo managed to slur at him "Wher'd'ya thenk tha' Spah went las' night?"

"Listen up, maggots! We're not here to worry about our teammates! We're here to win this damned war and get the hell out of this desert! Now shut yer faces and make a plan of attack! IN YER HEADS!" He added when the whispers and mumbles grew steadily in volume. He rubbed his temple under his helmet. He had to lay off drinking so much gin after each battle...

The RED Medic tapped him on the shoulder, gesturing to his medi-gun. "You should not be so kvick to jump into ze battle, komrade. It is just a job." He flicked the switch on the Medi-Gun and the Soldier visibly relaxed. The Heavy behind them looked a little put-out, and the Medi-Gun turned on him when the Soldier waved the doctor away.

"Not now, Private. Daddy's thinking."

"Hmpf!" The Medic stepped back, insulted. "You haff no manners." The Heavy grunted in approval, crossing his arms and staring down at the immobile Soldier.


End file.
